I want to write a poem to honor your memory but I can't seem to. Do I want to honor your memory or am I just wanting to show off my "poetry skills"? If I could answer that question then I could probably find a way to write for you.
First of all I don't think there are words in any human language that could adequately express how much I love you, how much I miss you.
I think of you daily, maybe hourly, maybe minute by minute. I see dozens, hundreds, thousands, millions of things per day that remind me of you or make me wish I could call you or text you. Baseball things, softball things, career things, funny things, interesting things, boring things...everything I think, say or do, everything people around me think, say or do, I wish I could share with you.
Are you in Heaven? Is there a Heaven? I've always clung to the belief that my Mother was "out there somewhere" that she was aware of me and watching over me in some way. I don't often admit it, and my closest friends and family would be surprised to hear it, but I DO believe in a creator. My extreme stubbornness, my epic obstinance, my fierce desire to not conform is so obvious that, even when I admit to my belief, I think people don't believe me. I'm sure your Mom doesn't believe me.
I believe there are things in the universe that we CAN'T know, that we weren't meant to know. The people who are supposed to know God, the devout, the theologians, the preachers, pastors and so forth.... they all seem to hold a slightly different view of God and the universe and how to worship and how to dress and how to pray. This inconsistency has puzzled me since I was a little boy. I really wish I could discuss this with you. I really wish I HAD discussed this with you. Maybe this is one of our failings as human beings, maybe this is one of MY failings as a human being. Why do we show so little of ourselves with the people we love?
I've been watching Korean Professional baseball on ESPN almost every day, since the Major League season is on hold for now. It has it's moments, someone makes a spectacular play and then someone else makes a horrible little-league play. The outfielders tend to play back a lot more than they do in the MLB. So there are a lot of cheap singles dropping in and finding grass instead of leather. But, i enjoy watching it. The announcers are doing a remote feed, they are on ZOOM at 3 or 4 a.m., mostly working from their homes. That makes it kind of interesting since they are limited to what the producer of the Korean feed gives them.
July 13, 2020
Tomorrow would have been your 49th birthday. It is not going to be a good day. I miss you SO much. There are things I want to talk to you about every day. Maybe I should just start putting those things here.
It's Monday so there are no KBO games, there were supposed to be makeup games because all the games were rained out yesterday but, alas, it rained again. I think you would laugh at my use of the word "alas". I'd love to hear your laugh or see the "laugh" emoji in your text message.
I'll miss you til the end of time
as if it hasn't ended
in stretching here for just one rhyme
is God who I've offended?